Give a Hug

I’ve always been very open with you all about my feelings and faith. I haven’t written a whole lot lately. Not because I’m trying to keep my feelings to myself or because I’m struggling with my faith… no, it’s because nothing that I could write could possibly come close to how I’m feeling right now. Emotions are so complex. Dealing with my own emotions is enough to silence me for a time being. When you add in the emotions of the kids as well, it’s almost too much to handle. 

Oh, but my God… He’s so faithful in providing the strength I need every second and a lot of times, that strength is just enough to keep myself and the kids going and that’s all I can focus on. 

This last week has been super hard. Emotions are all running high, there’s a lot of choices that need to be made, and I am just feeling like I’m not enough. The biggest thing I miss right now is when David would look at me in moments of stress, and no matter what I was doing, he would make me stop and he would envelope me in the biggest hug until my breathing would even out and I would give into relaxing. He would pray over me and he would make sure that my focus got readjusted towards God, instead of the stress going on around me. 

What I wouldn’t give for one of those hugs right now. For those prayerful, loving words to be said over me, from the man who probably knew me better than I know myself.

Instead, I have a pillow of his that I hug. It doesn’t hug back, but it’s something. I hug my children, and most of the time, they don’t ask me why I’m crying any more, because they already know the answer. So they look at me and simply say, “Daddy?” I cry out to God for him to sustain me and give me peace and to please just give me the strength I need to carry on, moment by moment. I pray fervently for God to be the everything that my children need, because I will never be that for them. I pray for opportunities to love on them, to cuddle them, to have good conversations with them, but then to have peace in knowing that God will fill in all the gaps, when I’m not enough. 

Today I received a most unexpected gift. Before David passed, and unbeknownst to me, he made a plan for me to continue to feel loved by him amidst all the heartache he knew was coming. A flower delivery with a simple, but treasured message: “Amy- I hope you are doing okay and I am sorry I can’t hug you right now. I love you. -David” Seeing that a hug from him is what I’m missing most right now, this message is so very bittersweet. I stared at the card and just started crying. 

I know that when people have lost loved ones, they say things like, “Don’t take anything for granted,” or “Make sure to say ‘I love you’,” or “Give your loved ones an extra hug.” Well, tonight I am going to encourage you to give that extra hug. Not a quick hug, but one that helps them relax in your arms. Say a prayer over them and tell them how much you love them. I will never again have a moment like that with David, but oh how I treasure the ones I did have!! Please take the time to do that. Even if you’re upset with someone or annoyed by them. Put it all aside and just love on them.  So many of you have reached out to let me know that you’re still praying for us. THANK YOU. We need those prayers so much as we continue to walk this path of grieving. And even if I don’t answer, please know that I do see everything, and I love your encouragement and words more than I can ever say.