Heart of Thanksgiving
I haven’t written in awhile. I think a huge part of that is because I really don’t know what to write. The complexity of my emotions is indescribable. There have been many difficulties, emotions, decisions and even many good moments over the last few months. Overall, I can say that the kids and myself are doing ok. Our days are extremely busy, so trying to find time to get both what needs to get done, and also have time to just be a family and process our emotions and grief is not easy, but God is with us every step of the way, and we cling to Him and His strength.
I’m feeling led to write today, because one of the biggest things that has helped me, is being thankful. What better day to write about that, than after Thanksgiving?
Philippians 4:6-7
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with THANKSGIVING let your requests be known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
There have been many anxious moments since David has passed and there were definitely some of those moments that I forgot this verse. I would cry out that things aren’t fair and that I didn’t want to be going through this… but I would not go to God with thanksgiving in my heart. Some would say, “well how could you? This is an impossible situation!” But I would like to share with you a little, intimate example of how shifting my thoughts from ‘impossible’ to ‘thankful’ took anxiety away.
I was experiencing a lot of anxiety as I would think back to David’s final week. I knew how much he didn’t want to be in a hospital, alone.. especially at the end of his life, he was very clear about wanting to be home with myself and the kids. Due to how he was doing, it was our hope that he was going to improve enough to come home and recover. However, we know that it didn’t work out that way and he came home under hospice to live out the last 24 hours of his life. I was having guilt and anxiety when I thought of how alone he was while in the hospital. But I was reminded that no matter what choice I made regarding David, absolutely nothing could have caused him to be alone during those days while I was separated from him. God was with David and never left his side. So my thoughts of anxiousness and guilt, turned into prayers of thanksgiving. Instead of crying out and blaming myself for allowing David to be alone, I started thanking God for never leaving David’s side while I couldn’t be there. Just as God promises, a perfect peace started to come over my thoughts.
How easy it is, no matter what any of us are facing, to turn to anger, guilt, anxiousness, sadness… And I’m not saying that it’s not ok to feel those emotions. They are the very emotions that God created us to have! When those emotions start to rule our thinking and we lose sight of God, that is when it is especially important to work on having a heart of Thanksgiving. It helps give a peace over situations, even when you didn’t think it was possible to have peace.
My heart is so thankful for all of YOU. Your prayers, messages, cards, texts, phone calls… they all mean so much to me. To know that I’m not forgotten, that I’m thought of and prayed for often, lifts my spirits. 143 days ago we lost David. On so many levels that seems unreal. A lot of those days, it has been hard to make it through. Your encouragement and constant love for my family has helped, though. Thank you so much.
Can I encourage all of you to be thankful? I know a lot of us always think about what we are thankful for around this time of year, but I would like to encourage you to find things you’re thankful for in the tough situations in your life. Are you growing someway through this situation? Are you seeing who your support system is through something going on? Try to find something to be thankful for, even in the hard stuff, and I pray that you feel God’s perfect peace surround you.
I love you all. Thank you.