Anger, Praise, Comfort

7/3/2020 Update

Y’all have been so supportive and patient while waiting on news of David. I know no one expects me to be updating constantly, but to be honest, writing updates helps me process everything that is going on and it’s almost therapeutic for me. And boy do I need to process things tonight:

On Tuesday, David’s Covid test came back negative and he was able to be moved to a neurology floor. He had a brain MRI and when I spoke with him, was sounding a little better than before.

Wednesday morning was a good morning. David called (on his own, without a nurse’s help) and he really sounded like he was coming out of the fog. He realized that he had been confused before and he was able to tell me what had happened. Things were looking good and they were talking about the possibility of him coming home. However, then his MRI results were read and there was some swelling in his brain due to excess spinal fluid. David had to have a lumbar puncture done so they could find the cause of the excess fluid. Before the puncture, he was anxious, so they gave him an Ativan to relax. Later, the nurse told me that he must be sensitive to it, because almost immediately after taking it, he fell asleep and was OUT. So I wasn’t able to talk to him for the rest of the day on Wednesday.

Thursday morning David finally called me when the Dr was in the room (at the doctor’s request) to go over the results. Out of the results that had come back, they didn’t find anything concerning, and he hadn’t had any more seizure activity, and his sodium level was where they wanted it to be. So they were going to prepare him to be discharged. They were just going to get the sign off from the neurologist. Once the Dr left the room, David wasn’t too talkative. I finally asked him if he was tired and wanted to sleep. He told me, “Yes. Love you” and hung up.

Thursday afternoon I spoke with the nurse to see how things were progressing and she said that they were on track for discharge, they were just waiting on the official sign off. I told her that I hadn’t been able to speak to him much today and asked how he was. She said that he was a little “withdrawn” but that could be the after effects of the Ativan, or the fact that he probably didn’t want to be there anymore. A couple hours later, I got the call that he was ready to be discharged. I drove down there and David was wheeled out to the car. He definitely seemed withdrawn, but even more so. He barely smiled (behind his mask) at me and I could tell he was pretty out of it. The transporter and I tried for about 20 minutes to get him in the car, and I could tell that he was having a hard time processing what we were asking him to do. Finally, the transporter decided to call up to the floor to ask David’s nurse if she could come down to help. She wasn’t able to, but had the lead nurse come down to help instead. Finally the lead nurse was able to help get David in the car. I asked her if she had worked with him at all that day, because no one had prepared me for him being this out of it. She said she hadn’t worked with him and asked if I had anyone at home to help me. I knew David’s brother would be able to help, so I told her I did and then after leaving the hospital and trying to talk to David and not really getting ANY response, I pulled over and called David’s brother, who is a nurse. I knew something wasn’t right, but thought that we just needed to get home to really assess the situation.

Once getting home, David’s brother and our neighbor helped David into the house. David wasn’t able to walk on his own and could barely respond to any commands. I called the hospital to speak with the nurse on his floor to see if this was how he was acting all day. She had already left for the day, so I spoke with the lead night nurse. After explaining everything, she said she was going to call the on call neurologist to get their opinion on what should happen. After that, I called David’s oncologist to see if he thought it was progression of disease, or if something else was going on. He was concerned that David was still having seizure activity and needed to get back to the hospital. I looked over David’s discharge paperwork and saw his signature. It was very clear, not like he was out of it at all. So within a couple hours, he had declined rapidly. I had David’s brother call 9-1-1, meanwhile the nurse called me back and seconded the thought that David needed to get back to the hospital asap, so for the second time this week, I got to watch my husband leave our house via stretcher and he is now back at the hospital.

I can’t tell you how hard it is to be away from him. Especially when he’s confused. I pray that he understands why I’m not there. I’m always there with him, but here he is, confused and in pain and just not right, and I can’t be near him to hold his hand and reassure him. This is HARD. Quite honestly, I am mad tonight. I’m mad that what I was hoping to be a joy-filled evening with Daddy home from the hospital, instead turned into an absolute heart-wrenching evening. I’m mad that things just can’t be back to normal. I’m mad that I want my family to be whole and at home, but here we are, broken up. I’m beyond exhausted and my heart cries out, just like in Psalms 42:1-2: My God, My God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, from the words of my groaning? O my God, I cry by day, but you do not answer, and by night, but I find no rest.
I know, that doesn’t sound very encouraging. But let’s face it: there’s sometimes in life where you are upset. You’re tired. You want answers and you just want a break. Here’s the thing… God can handle those feelings. I can be furious with a situation (like the current one) and I can call out to God. I can lay it all down and tell Him exactly how I feel about it all. Instead of running away, or failing to answer, He’s there to comfort. He’s there to hurt with me. As you finish that Psalm, you read David (the author of the Psalm) go through a change.. He starts out angry. Then he moves on to talk about how Holy God is, and then how God has always been there with him, followed by pleading God to stay close to him, then praising God and he starts to say how he is going to praise God to his brothers. Even in the midst of David’s troubles, he cries out to God and recognize how holy and praise-worthy He is. So much so, that he begs God to be with him and praises God! I am by no means comparing myself to the David in the Bible, but I find myself following a similar path. This evening, I was MAD. I absolutely did NOT want my husband going back to the hospital, alone. I did NOT want to go through the heartache of watching David leave. Yet, even in that anger, as I was calling out to God, I still KNEW that my strength, my peace, my hope, all come from Him. As angry as I was, I knew that I needed Him. No, I don’t want to be going through this, but there is no way that I want to be doing this without my faith in God. Psalm 121:1: I lift up my eyes to the hills, from where does my help come? My help comes from the LORD, who made heaven and earth.
God is big enough to handle my anger. And loving enough to comfort me and give me strength. Tonight I am going to bed with a hurting heart… a tired heart because it’s been hurting for so long. Yet, I am at peace because I know that no matter what, God holds mine and David’s tomorrow. God is our help and we will praise Him for all His good works. I am blessed beyond measure, because I have my faith, therefore having hope in something greater than this world can ever offer.
Please join me in prayer. This road is not easy and God works through your prayers. He helps comfort, provide strength and encourages, all through your prayers.

Prayer requests:
-For complete healing of David’s body
-For wisdom for the doctors handling David’s case: that they may see how to help him
-For our children, who were so excited to see David, but never got the chance before he went back to the hospital
-For joy and peace to fill the upcoming days
-For rest